Blog Post: Consider My Dirty Laundry Aired by Felicia DePaula

Consider My Dirty Laundry Aired

by

Felicia DePaula

 Felicia DePaula

One day I dream that I will be something big, and the more I think about it, I sincerely start to believe it.  I was told recently, that by creating this blog I was airing out my dirty laundry…truth be told I have had low moments as has everybody. I have spent far too much time trying to convince others that my actions were mere drunken mistakes.   I’m not sure what the proper PR move would be since I’m representing myself, but I would rather people hear of the mistakes I made from my mouth, before I’m interrupted in the middle of my meal at STK, having a glass of Cristal when I’m rich and famous.  Or before any ex of mine can make a quick buck off of a tell all book, of course it would be a bestseller because eventually I will be terribly relevant to the entire world.  Keep dreaming big, right? 

 Over the past year I found myself on my knees begging for a chance at love, begging for a mate to my soul.  I have thrown dressers, I have thrown snowboards, I have punched walls (never inflicting much pain on an adobe house), and I have said things so hurtful, that my heart bled once the words were uttered.  But none of this mattered, because between our stained covered mouths and booze infested breath, we never found the clarity of what exactly we were fighting about. 

When I felt the demons of my past sneaking up on me, I decided to rid my life of all booze, which didn’t exactly help my relationship.  It’s hard when you’re miserable at a bar or club and the other person in your life welcomes the complete opposite.  Not that one is better than the other because there should be a balance, but point being we were never going to work because our lifestyles were way too different and I will gladly admit I am trying to make a change.  Some call it bettering your self, but I call it growing up after years of being a complete moron.  

This is a difficult subject because for a good six years of my life, my sole comfort was vodka and beer, I became a complete monster.  I found booze to be the most constant stability in my life.  It took broken friendships, hearts, bones and souls for me to move beyond the recognition of the ”norm”.  People will never fully understand the pain behind your smile until you share it with them.  My pain was failure, my pain was heartbreak, and my pain was confusion.  When I was told by my brother “I don’t want you around my son because I don’t want him to get to know you and you end up dying by 25 and break his heart”, my whole world changed.  I learned what control meant, I learned what self- fulfillment meant, and I learned what happiness meant.

That being said let me get back to this heartbreak I am dealing with.  I am not trying to hide anything, my laundry is aired, I have been a monster and a fool in the past and present, but I look back at my ”first love” and realize after everything, she still desires to have a friendship; I must have done something right in certain moments. 

People never forget the way you made them feel, people never forget the tears in your eyes because of the sincerity you carry, people will remember your smile when your time on earth is up, people will not harp on the bad that you inflicted, so why harp on it now that you have the capacity to forgive and appreciate.

I will not grow fixated on what went wrong over the past year and a half, but I will heal, because I want to feel every ounce of pain so I can detox my world from it.  I want to wake up without an ailing heart and a knot in my stomach, I want to remember that I fell in love with a beautiful woman for a year and a half, and she showed me a whole new world, we have now gone our separate ways, but at one time, “I was happy as the sun.”